Groundhog Day is coming this Tuesday, but this year Punxsutawney Phil has a new responsibility and its implications are far more important than ever before!
On February 2nd, the frozen folks of small-town Pennsylvania gather in Gobbler’s Knob around the home of the ancient rodent to watch his reaction. In past years, if the groundhog saw his shadow and retreated back into his den, it forecasted 6 more weeks of winter. But this year marks a much more important responsibility for Punxsutawney Phil. According to state officials in Pennsylvania, if Phil is spooked by his shadow this Tuesday, then IT’S 6 MORE WEEKS OF LOCKDOWN!
“It seemed to make about as sense as any other reasoning we’ve used for locking down,” explained Governor Tom Wolf, “and this way, if anything goes wrong, we can always just blame the weasel.” Locals seem to have embraced the plan and see it as a way to have some influence over the lockdown process. Janice Meaden explained her family’s hopes, “we’re going to coax that little critter right passed his shadow! We’ve made a lovely Alfalfa Grubworm Pie. When he gets one whiff of that beauty, he’s going to come running out of that hole and we’re right after, we’re going to run to the mall! I can’t wait!”
Keep following The Daily Leek to find out if Pennsylvania will remain locked down, or if Punxsutawney Phil will pardon the people.
Thousands of national guard, police, secret service, and Capitol Defense Weasels (C.D.W.) descended upon Washington D.C. today to insure a peaceful transition of power between American presidents. Despite the warnings of intelligence and law enforcement officials, the tyrannical despot Joe Biden assumed power from autocratic-asshat Donald Trump without incident… and without Trump.
After the events of Jan. 6th, when a band of shucksters, shiesters, and shaman encroached upon Congress in what was a mostly peaceful protest; U.S. intelligence officials warned that a large army of hairless apes would attempt to disrupt the inauguration by hurling feces and epithets at members of congress. “Things got a little tense for a while. Several national guard units ran out of juice boxes and there was a small incident involving Mike Pence being momentarily alone with a woman, but there was nothing that an overwhelming show of force couldn’t handle. Thankfully, not a suit was soiled, not a single ego was challenged,” explained Captain Sah Tyre, commander of the C.D.W.
With this peaceful transition of tyrants, Americans can now expect to return to their normal, day-to-day lives of sectarian strife and struggle.
After a number of incidents, several accidents, and a few fatalities, Chicago’s Midway and O’Hare International Airports, have banned a large number of species from the accepted Emotional Support Animal Network. The announcement came just days after an incident on Air American Flight 215 when the flight turned fowl for more than one passenger; as an emotional support caiman attacked and ate Peckers, an emotional support chicken.
The death of Peckers was the fourth midflight animal fatality this week. Growing concern had begun to crescendo into a frenzied clamour when the two airports jointly announced new guidelines for emotional support animals. The moves are meant to makes flights safer while accommodating emotional support (ES) animals as much as possible. Among the changes in guidelines are:
ES mice and rats may not be seated in the same section as ES cats. ES cats are not allowed to be seated in the same section as ES dogs. Which animal, dog or cat, gets seating preference is at the captain’s discretion of which animal is cuddlier.
ES animals will no longer be permitted to be stowed in “nature’s hideaway pouch.”
ES humans must follow the same apparel guidelines as regular passengers. No longer will ES humans be allowed to fly in the “natural animal state” of nudity. Exceptions for private flights once aboard.
ES androids and sexual companion robots must have a purchased ticket and remain seated in the ticketed seat for the flight’s duration. No longer will robots be allowed to sit on a passenger’s lap.
The following animals will no longer be allowed to fly as ES animals: all spiders, snakes, crocodiles, alligators, caiman, badgers, llamas, goats, yetis, lions, tigers, (most) bears, scorpions, piranhas, sharks, teacup chihuahuas, anything over 45 lbs, anything under 5lbs, and PewDIePie.
Transportation Security Administration Agent Betty Godshaa explained the changes this way, “We’re trying to accommodate our passengers as much as we can without having flights turn into uncensored nature documentaries at any moment.” When asked how would-be-passengers with exotic ES animals should get around Godshaa replied, “I don’t know. Take a bus. Drive. Maybe get support animal that’s a little less bloodthirsty. There are a number of options.”
Do you need to make new travel plans because of these changes? Please let us know how you feel about it in the comments below.
Tide Pods are so 2017. Teens from London to Lincoln, from Moscow to Milwaukee, and all around the globe are taking to a new challenge. But this challenge doesn’t have anyone eating detergent. Instead, 19-year-old Instagram and YouTube stars are combining dish-shenanigans, creative chemistry, and frugal grooming. The newest craze is looking for the #BrightestBoraxBum
The challenge is far more involved than trying to eat something one shouldn’t. First, the would-be-celebrity has to create Borax crystals by a process very similar to cooking meth. The “Borax Baking” as it’s called, is an important part of the challenge and is included in every Borax Bum challenge video. The crystal is then inserted into the challenger’s… back pocket.
Snowflakes should not be considered by amateur Borax Bums, but amateur Snowflake attempts are the best videos.
One might think that filming shoving an uncomfortable giant crystal into your ass for the internet would be enough. But not for bawdry Borax bleachers. After the crystal dissolves and the challenger showers, the newly whitened-eye is shown off.
Viewers then rate the challenger’s attempt with a grade in the video’s comments: Icelandic Arse, Eggshell A-hole, and Chemical Burn Victim are commonly used scores. Those with the highest total scores are given a Jadis’ Anus badge to place on their page or have tattooed on their posterior.
“We’re trying to find the blankest backside that crams creative crystals for the cleansing of us all. We’re just trying to send out positive vibes while making the world a little brighter, one butthole at a time,” Instagram guru Luke Attme quipped.
“This isn’t about how long you can hold some soap in your mouth like a punished kid, or some stupid shit like that. This challenge is about bettering yourself with an inexpensive anal-bleaching,” explained YouTube sensation Ida Kamhaug.
Not everyone is impressed with the Bleacher Bums. Some are calling the videos a series of harmful hoaxes. Others warn that using Borax in such an unintended way could lead to serious harm or injury. These warnings are largely unheard, however, as most of the millennial internet doesn’t pay any attention to vanilla normies.
Borax has asked anyone considering the challenge to please reconsider. In a statement, company spokeswoman Clarice Glass warned, “Anal-bleaching is a very serious cosmetic procedure, and not something to be taken lying down. Make sure to seek out the services of a licensed Anal-yzer. While Borax does have incredible whitening power, that power should not be misused. Let Borax whiten your day, not your ass. Please, enjoy Borax and your anus responsibly.”
Have you bleached your bum? Let us know about the experience in the comments below. And don’t be caught in the media’s white-out of this story! Make sure to follow The Daily Leek on Facebook and Twitter for more news as it breaks!
Wednesday night marks the appearance of the first Super Blue Blood Moon since 1866; which means this will be the first time anyone younger than a baby boomer has had a chance to see such an event! With the last Super Blue Blood Moon (SBBM) so far in the past, many have forgotten the lunacy that coincides with the celestial spectacle.
The Daily Leek is never satisfied with giving our readers the same old, boring “facts” about the SBBM that can be found at any “mainstream media” mouthpiece like PBS, or RT. That’s why we hired Terry, our new intern. After an hour of signing release forms while the Wormhole 3000™ warmed up, we sent Terry back to 1866 to get firsthand accounts of the Super Blue Blood Moon in a new feature called, CommonTerry.
As it turns out, our research department could have been a bit more thorough with the whole wormhole business. Due to some quantum complications, we expect Terry back at any moment. Any moment. Hopefully a moment in the very near future. We asked Dr. Neil DidGrass Tyson what could explain Terry’s disappearance. Here’s what he had to say:
The blue blood of the SBBM is caused by all of the iron in the moon’s blood rushing to the surface of the crust. This then effects the Earth’s own magnetosphere, heliosphere, and blogosphere. While this does not impact most of ordinary life, it can be disastrous for anyone attempting to traverse a wormhole or anyone trying to sell their photos of Schnauzers online.
You read it here first! Don’t try to open Kensington-Hawking Hole during a Super Blue Blood Moon. The results may be very dangerous. Also, if anyone sees a time-travelling intern who answers to Terry, please let us know in the comments below. Terry may look a little worse for wear. Goodness only knows where our intrepid intern ended, so please keep a vigilant watch. And please, help us find Terry faster by sharing this story with all of your friends. #TimeTravelinTerry #BringTerryHome
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